Friday, December 3, 2010

I Will Pwn the Zombie Apocalypse

I recently discovered that my friends voted me “most likely to survive the zombie apocalypse.”  I am quite proud of receiving this award.  I mean, that’s a pretty big deal, right?  Surviving the zombie apocalypse?

But, it’s true.  I’m pretty ruthless when it comes to zombies.  And I’m not just talking about random zombies.  I will pwn even zombies who used to be my friends.

(Are you reading this, friends?  If you become zombies, you’re dead to me.)

Also, I’ve got a whole zombie apocalypse action plan all ready to go.  The one flaw I’ve identified in my plan is that I don’t actually have any shotguns lying around.  Shotguns are imperative for survival during the zombie apocalypse.  It’s been scientifically proven that shotguns are the best method for zombie-head removal.

(Note, if you don’t already know that the only way to kill a zombie is to remove the head or destroy the brain, you should probably go watch Sean of the Dead before you continue reading.)

So, I do have nightmares that the zombie apocalypse will come and I’ll be stuck in an old mansion in Aspen with no access to shotguns.  (It’s true, you can ask Scott!)  I spend a good majority of my time plotting what I’ll do in case the zombie apocalypse should come at that moment.

The first order of business is to acquire weapons and snacks.  You can’t survive the zombie apocalypse without weapons, and you can’t survive period without snacks.  Given a lack of shotguns (or ammunition) any blunt object that’s long enough to keep the zombies out of flesh-biting range will do.  A good, heavy shovel can be used in a pinch.  But, you must remember to conserve your energy, because you’ll need it once the zombies reach critical mass.  That’s where the snacks come in.  Good snacks that are high in energy are imperative, not only for running away from zombies, but also for keeping your mind clear so you can loot the gun store and get away with the shotguns.

(Note: for further research on the rules to surviving the zombie apocalypse, please watch Zombie Land.)

The next order of business is to hook up with a few key, non-zombie friends.  At first, I thought Google Latitude would be a great way to do this.  Then, I realized that Google Latitude isn’t smart enough to differentiate between zombie and non-zombie friends.  It won’t do you any good to navigate through the zombie wasteland only to find that your strongest friend has already succumbed to the disease.

(Are you reading this, Google?  Please develop technology to differentiate between zombies and non-zombies.)

To get around this problem, I’ve planned a meeting point.  I figure anybody who knows about the meeting point as a human will forget about it if they become a zombie.  I’m pretty sure that zombies are incapable of thinking about anything but brains.  (Ironic, eh?)

Once you’ve met up with your non-zombie friends, the third order of business is to get the hell out of the population centers.  Obviously, population centers are where all the zombies are.  You can either try to hunker down in your shitty apartment, where you will eventually be surrounded by zombies and run out of food and guns, or you can escape to the middle of nowhere Idaho/Montana/Wyoming where there are probably only 20 zombies and you can kill them all.

Finally, it’s extremely necessary to find a bunker that is easily defended from zombies.  Sure, you’ve done the initial killing of the 20 zombies in the middle of nowhere.  But someday hungry zombies will wander towards your compound, driven by the smell of brains, and you’ll need to see them coming to destroy them.  Research on any successful battle knows that whomever has the high ground is at an advantage, so try to find a nice hill somewhere to build your house.  Bricks are the preferred building material.  Remember, you are in the zombie apocalypse and you are surviving.  Anything left behind by people who are now zombies belongs to you.  Go loot what’s left of the town (after killing all the zombies, of course) and get all the bricks you can.  Then, you can build yourself a house, or, in the lucky event that you find a house already standing in the perfect location, a nice wall with a watch tower.

Then, just wait out the zombie disease until order is restored.  Or, more likely, live as in a hippie commune for the rest of your life.  It’s not that bad.  At least you survived!

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